English stories

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English stories

Have you heard this one?

1. Will Work for Liquor.

2. got beer?

3. Alcohol may be the road to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.

4. Drinks Well With Others.

5. That's MR. Bartender to you.

6. How can I be so thirsty in the morning, when I drank so much last night?

7. There are NO bad cocktails, just bad drinkers.

8. Official 7-Up® slogan: "Make 7 ... UP Yours".

9. WHISKEY: Making Driving More Exciting Since 1903!

10. When I was your age... We had to walk 2 miles, up hill, in zero degree weather, to get this drunk!

11. Beer ... It's What's For Dinner.

12. Drink Liquor ... Do stupid things easier and not remember.

13. Life is too short ... to drink cheap liquor.

14. Jack Daniel's Distillers®: "Tribute: 131 Years, Seven Generations, One Recipe. Enough Said."

15. Challenge = Tequila. When life presents a challenge ... take your best shot.

16. Slammed I Am! "I would drink beer with a goat, on a boat, in a box, in my sox, in a car, at a bar. I do, I do, I do like beer!" (spinoff on Dr. Seus)

17. Paint Chips Make Me Thirsty. Chowing down lead paint chips can work up a thirst and lower your IQ.

18. I See Drunk People.(parody of the classic line from the movie, "The Sixth Sense")

19. People Like You... Are the reason people like me drink.

20. It's Happy Hour! Let's Drink! It's 5:00 somewhere...

21. I'm NOT an Alcoholic. I'm a Drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

22.I Have a Beer Problem...
Joe and John split a quarter keg of beer. There are (approx.) 41 mugs of beer to be drank from the keg, and each mug contains 12oz of beer. After one hour and 4 mugs, Joe has to take a leak. John however needs to take a leak after only 2 mugs during this time. If both Joe and John continue drinking for six hours... How many leaks will be taken during this period by each and how many mugs will remain in the quarter of keg?

23. Teamwork = Keg of Beer.Teamwork is the ability to work as a group towards a common vision ... Even if that vision becomes extremely blurry while working.

24. I Graduated with a 4.0 (Blood Alcohol Level).

25. Never Underestimate the Power of Intoxicated People in Large Groups.

26. Do you believe in Love at First Sight... or do I have to buy you another drink?

27. Rehab is for Quitters.

28. BEER: Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1862!

29. You call me DRUNK ... like it's a bad thing.

30. Finish Your Beers... (There are sober people in China!)

31. ALCOHOL: It's Cheaper Than Therapy!

32. My Teachers Said I Could Be Anything... so I became Drunk.

33. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

34. If You Can't Say Something Nice... Keep Drinking.

Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits. Bitch.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there

10 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY
1) I'm bored. Let's shave my fanny!
2) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?
3) That was a great fart! Do another one!
4) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
5) You're so sexy with a hangover.
6) I'd rather go and play Tomb Raider than go shopping.
7) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
10) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

T-Shirt Signs

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar

Few women admit their age; Few men act theirs

Don't steal!....The government hates competition.

F.B.I. Female Body Inspector

Good girls go to heaven....bad girls go everywhere

Hit me....I need the money!

I smile, because I have absolutely no idea what's going on

I'm not an alcoholic!...I'm a drunk....alcoholics go to meetings!

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name

What part of "NO" don't you understand?

On a bikers jacket: If you can read this, I lost my girl

The 3 rings of marriage: 1.engagement ring...2.wedding ring..3.suffe ring

Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else

Smile if you aren't wearing any underwear

HORN BROKE....Watch for finger

HONK if anything falls off

RETIRED? HELL, NO! I'M NOT EVEN TIRED YET!

My job drives me to drink...if it wasn't for that....I'D QUIT

Warning!....dates in calendars are closer than they appear

Save water.....Drink beer

I like cats too....let's exchange recipes

WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them

You Know You've Been Out Of University Too Long When
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendancies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.
5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.
8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.
10.You carry an umbrella.
11.Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
12.You don't go to Tesco's with all your friends.
13.You have standing orders and direct debits.
14.The heating works in your house.
15.Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
16.You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
17.You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
18.Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
19.You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
20.You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
21.Washing up is not an annual ritual.
22.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
23.You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
24.Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
25.You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
26.You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
27.You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.
28.You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.
29.You "hate scrounging students".
30.You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
31.Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
32.You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.
33.You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
34.You always know where you are when you wake up.
35.You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
36.A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
37.You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
38.A #3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
39.You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
40.You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
41.You don't have mice living in your kitchen.
42.Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
43.You don't go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
44.You have hoovered.
45.Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
46.'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.
47.Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
48.You don't experiment with banned substances (????)
49.You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.
50.You dont find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass more gas than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

WHAT GUYS NAMES MEAN

Some of these are very funny, pick out the guys you know.

Aaron - ugly but has the best yumuka
Adam - cute, funny and needs a bath
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women
Alex - cute and short but very open to corruption
Andy - nice and sweet, works in the mail room
Andrew - two-faced and conceited, become directors, CEO's
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed
Arnold - loser
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games
Bernard - lights fires and pinches girls bottoms
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands
Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't
Brandon - good looking but uses girls
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time
Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah - he's just a naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week
Caleb - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini
Cameron - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies - no real person has that name.
Chris - has a great body and has lots of different friends, but full of himself
Christian - very sexy and seductive (think 'legends of the fall')
Cillin - Thorough in everything he does, EVERYTHING !!!
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'
Clayton - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around
Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does
Cyril - well, Cyril
Damien - SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX did i mention SEX?
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid
Daniel - extremely funny and will do anything for a shag, will tell you about it if you shout.
Danny - loud and funny and crashes cars
David - hotty and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, good in bed, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot
Dermot - The Master who MUST be obeyed
Derek - has a great mummy, and blow-up doll collection
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please
Don - dickhead
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and warts
Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cuz he's an arsehole
Eric - shy
Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight
Gary - drug addict but willing to share
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace
George - barman who drinks more than he serves
Glenn - the sweetest guy to start with then turns into dickhead
Graham - damn sexy but very hard to understand
Grant - annoying shit
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself
Haydn - tries hard
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody?)
Ian - really popular but thinks all the girls want him
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk
Jason - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to
him about anything
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well
Jeff - really ugly
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is
Jermaine - ugly and makes girls puke
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on
Jamie - sweet, kind and always laughing
Jack - stupid but hot
Jim - sweet but user, has fantasies of love and affection
Joe - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals
John - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head
Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites
Josh - attractive, likes sports, travelling, meeting people and having fun
Junior - hotty and totally good at football
Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up
Kevin - can never get a girlfriend
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kellen - very, very...anything you want him to be
Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse
Ky - see Kain
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse
Laurey - short and funny looking
Leigh - girl dressed up as boy
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold
Louie - unconventional, wise and annoying
Lukarse - fat loser that dates other men
Luke - seems to be sweet - Luke Solomons exactly!
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is, not his great looks
Martin - suave, sophisticated, hung like a donkey and gagging for it at every oportunity
Matt - the perfect guy, sweet and good looking, full of it
Mike - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet
Mitchell - AWESOME in bed! very passionate in what he does, has a way with women, but no self esteem
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel like he's there.
Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position though
Neil- sweet and will do anything in this world for you, likes to eat lentils
Oliver - very proper and rich - most likely to lead an army
Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog
Owen - cute guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs
Padraig - The One who gets away with it, without ever being caught !!!! Mmmmm
Pat - drunk, drunk, drunk
Paul - cool, calm and handsome
Peter- cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool
Reagen - ...strange
Rhys - had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates
Richard - lion in bear's clothing and has more wet dreams than anybody.
Rob - tall and ugly...everybody hates him
Rodney - as wide as he is tall, as intelligent as he is unique
Ron - dresses like AFL footballer and likes to prance
Ross - total loser and computer genius
Russell - likes to play in the leaves
Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind
Sam - wannabe sex machine
Scott - has serious disabilities
Sean - has big testicles and no friends
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor
Simon - quiet but very simple
Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweety in the world
Stephen - popular and funny when looked at side-on
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is
Toby - bastard
Tom - cool but can be arrogant
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy
Troy - cute and popular
Taylor - gay
Warren - cool, homosexual guy
Wayne - egotistical, self-loving, ugly looking bastard, lazy no-body likes wanker with a tiny dick and a face like a cat getting a kick up the backside while licking a thistle.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate
Will - wishes he were popular
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft asyour breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

T-Shirt Signs

Some people are wise, and some are otherwise

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

Make yourself at home - Clean my kitchen

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left

Not all men are annoying - some are dead

My boss is just like a diaper: Always on my ass and always full of shit!

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'D FART

I may be slow...but I'm ahead of you!

FOR SALE: Ex-wife - Take over payment or best offer

Keep honking...I'm reloading

If you're rich... I'm single

Horse lovers are stable people

I.R.S. We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off

Stop reading this and watch where you're going

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob" said the young man. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small guy faints!! The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?". The small guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

FIVE STAGES OF GETTING DRUNK

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the Entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and Really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room can not see you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs Because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

THE SEX WAR (WILL BE APPRECIATED BY ALL)
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't eat yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my friends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick." "How sick are you ?" asks his boss. "Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."

The Maths of Life

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay ?2 for a ?1 item he needs.
A woman will pay ?1 for a ?2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes; there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he, doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There is a virus going around called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT. "Work" has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus send an email to your boss with the words "bollocks... I'm off to the pub". The "work" should automatically be deleted from your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply drag it to your rubbish bin. Put on your coat, skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you. (because you'll no longer have a job?) Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

BEST AMERICAN HEADLINES OF YEAR
(yes, they are real)...

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

23. War Dims Hope For Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All 5 million of it...Woooohooo!" "That's great, sweetie!", she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" "I don't really care," he replies, "Just fuck off!"

Little Johnny was playing in the street one day when a stranger pulled up in his car. The stranger said "Psssssst! Hey kid!" "Yeah?" And the stranger said, "Kid, I'll give a piece of candy if you come in my car." Little Johnny replied, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Q: WHY CAN'T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

There were 3 women, a brunette, redhead and a blonde. They all work together. Everyday they notice that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decieded that when the boss left, they would leave early, too. The boss left and so did they. The brunette went home and relaxed watching some tv. The redhead went home for a quick work out before her date. The blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day the redhead and brunette are talking about leaving early again. They ask the blonde if she want to leave early again. "NO", she says, "yesterday, I nearly got caught."

T-Shirt Signs

Sex is a misdemeanor..the more you miss it the meaner you get

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.
[Seen upside Down, On A Jeep]

Cat --- The Other White Meat.

Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Save toilet paper - use both sides

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention.

War doesn't determine who's right. Just who's left

A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?" "No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"

A blonde and her boyfriend are walking along the beach when she looks up and a seagull drops one right in her eye. The boyfriend says "I'll go and get some toilet paper". The blonde says "don't bother,he'll be miles away by then".

What is it?

Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace never used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

Answer: A last name...were you thinking of something else?

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later he received this letter. Most Honorable Sir, You leave house, He come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see. No fee, Chen Lee

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone's been in a 747!

A blonde had a near death experience when she went horseback riding the other day. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-mart manager happened to walk by and unplug the ride.

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

A blond her friend were walking in a dark basement looking for something. All of a sudden the blond yells stop. Her friend asks why The blond said, "Something just rubbed up against my left leg!" Then a moment later said, "oh never mind, it was just my right leg."

Q. What is adultery?
A. The wrong people doing the right thing!!!!

Q. What is a prostitute?
A. A busy body!!!!

Q. When is mothers day?
A. 9 months after fathers day!!!!

Q. What are pyjamas?
A. Things placed in bed in case of fire!!!!

Q. What is a taxidermist?
A. A man who mounts animals!!!!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN THE 00'S WHEN

1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.

8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10.Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more except to send you jokes from the net.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO Hmmmmmm...

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

6. Why is a boxing ring square?

7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

10.Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?

11.Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,you turn down the volume on the radio?

12.Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

13.Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14.Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

15.Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

16.Why isn't there a special name for the back of your knee?

17.Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

18.Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

19.Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Blow Job Etiquette (By a woman)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart or fall asleep.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head-I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls-if you're that desperate, go jerk off n and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video ames immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes, you ARE obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.
12. Make way when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I guarantee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
(Now if you laughed at this and you want to brighten someone's day send this to as many people as you can!!!!!!!!! :)

Women's Car bumper stickers.

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek women is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the Swedish woman keeps bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but at least they know that the English aren't getting any...

A solution on how to punish Osama bin Laden

Killing Osama bin Laden will only create a martyr.Holding him prisoner will inspire comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.Let the Special Forces, Seals, or whatever, covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital, and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex-change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell!

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: ”Do not use while sleeping”. (Gee,that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: ”You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside”. (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: ”Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: ”Serving suggestions: ”Defrost.” (But it’s *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): ”Do not turn upside down”. (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: ”Product will be hot after heating”. (As night follows the day....)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: ”Do not iron clothes on body”. (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)
8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: ”Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: ”Warning: May cause drowsiness”. (One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: ”For indoor or outdoor use only”. (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: ”Not to be used for the other use”. (I gotta admit, I’m curious).
12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: ”Warning: Contains nuts”. (NEWS FLASH)
13. On a child’s Superman costume: ”Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”. (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one)
14. On a Swedish chain saw: ”Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”. (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)
15. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: ”Do not use on food.” (Hey mom we’re out of syrup! It’s ok honey just grab the Palmolive!)

Signs That You Might Be Stressed

* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

* The sun is too loud.

* Trees begin to chase you.

* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

* You can hear mimes.